BLACK SCREEN AS NARRATOR’S VOICE BREAKS THE SILENCE:
NARRATOR
Last time on “The Good Place”…
FADE IN:
We see quick flashes of carefully selected scenes from the series’ 9 year history: David setting out on his quest to find “The Good Place”, Dracula describing his plan to make the entire planet one big “Bad Place”, Dana meeting David and joining him on his journey, Dana dying at the hands of Frankenstein, Robert meeting David and joining him on his quest, the pair acquiring a map to the good place, Steve Buscemi betraying Dracula and pledging to show David and Robert the way to “The Good Place”, David falling overboard as the group is traveling along a mighty river…
TITLE SCREEN:
“THE GOOD PLACE” appears in big block letters, all caps and “THE GOODEST PLACE, PART II” fades in below in smaller block letters at the bottom of the screen
FADE TO BLACK AS INTENSE MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY
ROBERT
David! No! Steve, where is he? Do you see him?
STEVE
I don’t have eyes on him! Keep searching, I’ve gotta get us through these rapids
Just then David’s unconscious head pops up from under the water just before being taken under by another big wave.
ROBERT
I see him! I’m going in!
STEVE
Tie this rope around your waist so I don’t lose you too, and be careful Rob. I’ll do my best from up here.
Robert ties the rope around his waist, climbs to the side of the vessel and dives into the swirling water. He swims against the current to the spot where he last saw David’s head, takes a deep breath and dives underwater. He searches frantically but is unable to locate David before having to resurface for air.
STEVE
Come back Rob, it’s too dangerous!
But Robert immediately dives back underwater. He spots David, unconscious with his shirt snagged on an old log. Robert swims to him as quickly as possible, unsnags his friend, and holds him tight as he swims to the surface.
ROBERT
I’ve got him! Pull us in!
Steve utters his famous catchphrase…
STEVE
Awwww jeez!
…before reeling the pair of heroes back aboard his vessel. Robert coughs and hacks trying to catch his breath before turning his attention to his comrade.
ROBERT
He’s swallowed a lot of water, I’ve got to give him mouth to mouth.
Robert presses his lips to David’s mouth and begins performing CPR on the unconscious man. After a few repetitions and a solid minute of dramatic music, David coughs up and spits out an excessive amount of water as he regains consciousness.
DAVID
*cough cough* I *cough* I saw it! *cough* I saw “The Good Place”!
ROBERT
You what?!
DAVID
I saw “The Good Place” while I was underwater. It was shiny and golden. There were happy people – families – living in peace. An old woman was walking with her grandchildren along the shore of the river. A dog playing fetch with his owner. It was beautiful.
STEVE
That’s definitely not the case, bud.
DAVID
What?
STEVE
There’s no way you saw “The Good Place” under there. Cause we just arrived at its gates. There it is.
Angelic music swells as David and Robert look up to see shiny, golden gates and a long, golden pathway. As the camera pans up the pathway, the music quickly loses steam and rapidly turns into an ugly string of unrelated notes before stopping altogether as the heroes’ eyes (and the camera) come to rest on a sad, grey village. A giant castle casts a shadow over the whole livable area as thunder clouds begin to roll in.
DAVID
What…What is this? This can’t be “The Good Place”! No no, this is all wrong. Where are the happy people? The endless supply of food? All the good doggos?
STEVE
I tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen. Dracula got here first. He’s already set up camp and turned this into one of his original “Bad Place”.
ROBERT
David, I’m so sorry…
DAVID
No…No, it can’t end like this. I won’t let it. I won’t let it end like this! We’re going up there and we’re gonna put an end to Dracula, once and for all!
ROBERT
Dave, you know I’m with you until the end but what can we do?
DAVID
Whatever it takes. I’ve been on this journey for 9 years, Rob. I’ve lost a lot of close friends along the way. I promised Dana that I’d finish this, for both of us. I’m not quitting. Not now, not ever. This thing with Dracula ends tonight.
Robert places his hand on David’s shoulder as a show of support.
ROBERT
I’m with you ‘til the very end. ‘Til we find that “Good Place”
The pair stand defiantly and ready for war and prepare their things as Steve docks the boat safely at the dock located conveniently at the front gates of the former “Good Place”. As the two begin to disembark, they turn to Steve, who has not stepped off his vessel.
ROBERT
Come on Steve, aren’t you coming?
Steve hesitates.
STEVE
I…I don’t think that’s a good idea. I told you I’d get you to “The Good Place” and here you are. I’ve finally got my life back. I’ve got my boat, I’ve got my family waiting for me. I’m ready to go on another Magical Mystery Tour. It’s nothing personal, I just…
Steve’s voice trails off.
DAVID
I understand Steve. You’ve got to go find your own “Good Place”. I get it, and I hope you do find it. You’re a good man. Thank you for getting us here, and good luck.
Tears begin forming in Steve’s eyes.
STEVE
Thank you. Thank both of you.
Steve jumps off the boat and the three men embrace in a warm group hug.
STEVE
I’ll never forget you two.
ROBERT
And we’ll never forget you, Steve.
Steve returns to his boat as the duo begins their trek through the shiny, golden gates and up the path to the former “Good Place”.
FADE OUT.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DRACULA’S THRONE ROOM
Wolfman and Mummy cautiously approach Dracula, who is performing some sort of dark ritual at an altar.
WOLFMAN
You do it.
MUMMY
I did it last time. It’s your turn.
WOLFMAN
Ugh fine. (To Dracula) Um…sir.
Dracula does not react.
WOLFMAN
(A little louder) Sir!
Still no reaction from Dracula
WOLFMAN
(Louder still) SIR!
DRACULA
I feel like I hear something, but maybe it’s just the wind because I know MY minions would know how to properly address me.
Wolfman looks at Mummy disheartened. Mummy shrugs.
WOLFMAN
*Sigh* Pardon me, Princess Prettypants?
DRACULA
Huh? Ohhhhh helloooooooo, Wolfman, Mummy. How aaaaareeee youuuuuu? I feel like it’s been forever since we last spoke. How are the little pups?
WOLFMAN
They’re..uh..good? Sir, I thought you might like to know tha-
DRACULA
(Cutting off Wolfman) Now now, business can wait. Why don’t you have a seat and I’ll get some tea ready.
WOLFMAN
But sir, I-
DRACULA
(Cutting off Wolfman again) I won’t take no for an answer! Sit.
Wolfman and Mummy both sigh sit at a table in the corner as Dracula dons an apron and sets about preparing some tea.
FADE OUT.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. FIELDS OUTSIDE CASTLE GATES – DAY
As our heroes nears the village, they come across a couple of villagers working in the fields. They stop to talk to the pair.
DAVID
Excuse me, but what happened here?
VILLAGER 1
What do you mean “what happened here?” Seems pretty obvious to me.
VILLAGER 2
Now Harold, there’s no need to be rude.
VILLAGER 1
Right, sorry. It’s been a rough couple of weeks since Dracula arrived and took over. He built that disgusting castle surprisingly quick and then everything kinda just went to pot.
ROBERT
Dracula has been here for weeks?! He must’ve been planning this all along. While we were busy fighting with his minions up north, he’s already found “The Good Place” and taken over.
DAVID
He just used his own minions to distract us. He tricked us. Disgusting.
VILLAGER 2
You know Dracula?
ROBERT
We’re not close.
DAVID
I’m sorry this happened to you and your people. My name is David, this is my friend Robert. We’re on..er..we WERE on a quest to find “The Good Place”. I guess now we’re on a quest to help take it back from Dracula. Is there any information you could provide us with that might aid us?
VILLAGER 1
Sure, if you think you stand a chance. I’ve done some snooping and it looks like Dracula’s castle isn’t quite completed on the back side. Like, it’s mostly a facade. Sneak around back and you’ll be able to get in easily. But you didn’t hear it from me.
ROBERT
Thank you both.
VILLAGER 2
Hey…um…if you’re successful, and I have very little faith that you will be, can you promise me something?
DAVID
Sure, anything.
VILLAGER 2
Once Dracula is gone, again I do NOT expect you to succeed, can you help us change the name of this place to something a little more imaginative than “The Good Place”?
ROBERT
Definitely! See Dave, I told you that name sucked!
DAVID
Again, I didn’t come up with it.
Our heroes continue into the village and as they approach the castle, they can see that pretty much the whole back half of the castle is missing and currently being held up by big wooden poles and ropes tied to stakes in the ground.
ROBERT
You’d think Dracula would consider using something other than wooden stakes to hold up his castle.
The two laugh as they hop the fence surrounding the unfinished part of the castle. As they land on the other side, they are greeted by two stocky looking guards.
GUARD 1
Hault! Lord Dracula will be *very* pleased to see you two again. He’s been expecting you.
GUARD 2
We’re finally going to get that raise we’ve always been talking about, eh Borris?
GUARD 1
That’s right, Nathan. No more sleeping in the smelly guard’s barracks. No more listening to 60 dudes farting all night and waking up to a hot box of flatulence only to drink fart-smelling water from the bog. We’re moving on up to that deluxe watchtower in the sky!
DAVID
You’re definitely going somewhere in the sky!
David proceeds to bash in Guard 1’s nose while simultaneously kicking Guard 2 so hard in the groin that it breaks his back in a wild display of athleticism and skill that have to be seen to be believed.
ROBERT
That was a bit much, don’t you think. You could have just knocked them out.
DAVID
They work for the dark lord himself. An undead vampire set out on world domination. I’m not pulling my punches anymore dude.
ROBERT
I suppose that’s fair. Just a little scary is all I’m saying.
DAVID
Don’t worry, I could never do something like this to you.
David winks and begins walking into the castle, laughing along the way. Robert hesitates and then follows.
FADE OUT.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DRACULA’S THRONE ROOM
Wolfman, Mummy, and Dracula have just finished having tea and are discussing the latest season of “The Great British Bake Off”.
WOLFMAN
This is really fun and all, but we have an important update for you, boss.
DRACULA
And I’m all ears! But, hang on, can I take Oakley for a walk first?
Dracula motions to his chihuahua who is pacing back and forth near the open window.
WOLFMAN
Okay, the weird connotations of you owning a dog while employing a half-wolf being aside, we’ve really gotta tell you something. It’ll just take two seconds.
DRACULA
Okay we’ll talk soon. See you in a few.
Dracula floats out the window with Oakley, who is hanging from his harness in midair while kicking his legs as if attempting to swim, while Wolfman and Mummy slam their heads on the table.
FADE OUT.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DRACULA’S CASTLE
Our heroes are creeping along the inside of Dracula’s castle, searching for a sign of where Dracula’s throne room might be located.
ROBERT
So what do we do when we find Dracula? How do we fix this?
DAVID
(Shrugging) I guess we just kill him and tear this castle to the ground.
ROBERT
Will all that wanton destruction really help make this a “Good Place”?
DAVID
I mean, at this point I’m happy just doing away with Dracula and then figuring it out from there.
ROBERT
Whatever you say, man.
The two come upon a spiral staircase that looks like it might lead to the top of the castle. When they reach the top, they find a dimly lit throne room, decked out in giant bolts and power cords.
FRANK
Well well well…look who decided to show up.
Frank stands up from his throne, dressed in a nice suit and giant platform shoes.
DAVID and ROBERT
(Together) FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER?!
FRANK
Now come on guys, I told you last time that I legally changed my name. I’m tired of all that confusion between “Frankenstein” or “Frankenstein’s Monster”, not to mention how hurtful the “Monster” part can be. Please, just call me “Frank”.
DAVID
Sorry Frank. What are you doing here? We defeated you about a year ago up north. I figured you were still frozen in that glacier.
FRANK
I’ve got a wife, man. I didn’t come home so she assumed I was off galavanting with some scream queen or something and hunted me down.
ROBERT
Yikes. Where is she now? We don’t have to fight her too, do we?
FRANK
Nah. She’s the one who makes this place run. She doesn’t have time to deal with idiots like you. Hiring her was the smartest thing Dracula has ever done, I’m just here for the benefits.
DAVID
Enough talk. Are we gonna do this thing or what?
FRANK
Yikes. You’ve gotten pretty feisty since the last time I saw you, David. I was gonna just try to talk you out of looking for old Drac, but if you want to fi-OOF!
Frankenstein is cut off mid-sentence by an uppercut straight to his jaw, followed by a swift roundhouse to the gut.
FRANK
(With the wind knocked out of him) O-kay. You wan-na play like *huff huff* that, huh?
Frank nails David with a big boot, knocking him to the floor, and grabs Robert by the throat. As Frank prepares to deliver a devastating chokeslam to Robert, David grabs hold of Frank’s ankle and pulls on it, tripping the giant. Frank lands hard on his stomach with a thud and releases his grasp on Robert’s throat. David continues twisting Frank’s ankle until his surgically-attached leg separates from the rest of his body. David then uses Frank’s own leg to apply a devastating chokehold on the man formerly known as “Monster”.
DAVID
Beware! I am fearless and therefore powerful!
ROBERT
David! What are you doing? He’s got a wife! He has a family!
Frank continues to struggle but is fading fast.
DAVID
Dana had a family and he killed her in cold blood! I’m over this! I will make my own “Good Place” by force!
Frank suddenly falls limp but David does not release the chokehold. Like a referee, Robert has to pry the blood-lusted David from the once reanimated, now deanimated corpse.
DAVID
Let go of me! I’m fine!
Robert releases his grasp and stares with tears in his eyes as David fixes his hair and continues through the only door out of the room.
DAVID
Are you coming or what?
Robert wipes the tears from his eyes and slowly begins to follow his partner.
ROBERT
(Muttering to himself) Or what…
FADE OUT.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DRACULA’S THRONE ROOM
Dracula is returning from “walking” his dog as his Mummy is taking a call on his cell phone.
MUMMY
Oh no, you poor thing. I’m so sorry. Yes, I’ll let him know right this instant. Yes, he just walked in. Take care.
Mummy hangs up the phone
MUMMY (CONT’D)
Sir SIR! It’s Frank, he-
DRACULA
(Cutting Mummy off) I’m sorry, what’s my name again?
MUMMY
Enough of that Princess stuff! Frankenstein is dead! We have to take action immediately!
DRACULA
I’m not going to respond unless you call me by my proper title.
Just then the door to the throne room bursts open with a loud bang. David and Robert step into the room, ready for a fight.
DRACULA
ROBERT AND DAVID?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? MUMMY! WOLFMAN! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!
WOLFMAN
WE TRIED TO TELL YOU BUT YOU WOULDN’T LET-
Wolfman and Mummy explode into a cloud of fire and smoke and fall into neat piles of ashes where they had once been standing.
DRACULA
Those imbeciles! Those idiots! How hard is it to say “Princess Prettypants, your arch-nemeses are on your doorstep”? You Just can’t find good help nowadays.
Dracula takes a deep breath.
DRACULA (CONT’D)
I’ll just take care of you both myself, I guess.
Our heroes square off with Dracula. Preparing for what will be their final confrontation.
DAVID
Hey Drac, bite me.
David lunges at Dracula, swinging for the fences with a strong punch that misses as Dracula skillfully dodges. Dracula takes a swipe at David with his clawed hands but Robert is quick to join the fray this time. Robert delivers a swift punch to Dracula’s gut causing the man-bat to double over in pain but Dracula takes the opportunity to take a big bite out of Robert’s neck. Blood goes everywhere as Robert falls to the ground, unconscious. David screams.
DAVID
NO! NOT AGAIN! I won’t let you take another friend from me!
David begins laying in punch after punch after punch. Soon Dracula is on the ground and David continues to wail on him. As David rears back to deliver the final blow to Dracula, he hears a familiar voice.
DANA
David. David, you have to stop. This isn’t the way to “The Good Place”.
David stops cold. He turns to see the apparition of his former partner, Dana, floating just behind him.
DAVID
Dana? Is…is it really you? It can’t be. I watched you die.
DANA
I am dead, silly. “Good”, “Bad”, this is still a magical place regardless. I guess that’s why I’m here.
DAVID
I’ve missed you. I didn’t know if I could carry on after you died.
DANA
I know, but you did. You found a new partner and carried on. Robert really cares about you. You should probably listen to him more. Like maybe about how hate and violence might not help you find “The Good Place”?
DAVID
Oh my gosh. You’re right. What have I been doing? I’ve become just as bad as Dracula. I-I’m a monster
David drops to his knees and begins crying.
DAVID (CONT’D)
I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I just wanted a “Good Place” so bad. I couldn’t stand seeing so much pain. I just wanted to he-
David stops short. He is frozen and slowly looks down at his progressively blood-stained shirt. Dracula’s whole arm is sticking out from his chest. He loses consciousness almost immediately as Dracula retracts his arm from his victim’s chest.
DRACULA
Whelp, I guess I’ve gotta HAND it to him. He really TWISTED MY ARM and FORCED MY HAND.
Dracula chuckles to himself
DRACULA (CONT’D)
Ehh who am I doing these jokes for anyway? I should probably save them for my tight five.
As Dracula turns to walk away, he hears a noise from the other side of the room. Robert stirs weakly but quickly crawls towards David’s body upon the realization of what has transpired.
ROBERT
Nonononono NO NO. David, it can’t be. Please no! Talk to me! You’re my partner. My friend. My…I hoped we could be…more than that. I never cared about finding “The Good Place”, YOU were my “Good Place”! As long as I was with you, I was always in a “Good Place”. I can’t lose you. If I lose you, David, I’ll be in a “Bad Place”, “The Worst Place”. Please don’t put me in my place.
Robert holds the motionless body of David close as he weeps. He holds David’s head in his arms and lowers his head, placing his forehead on David’s and whispers.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
I love you.
Robert lowers his lips onto David’s planting a first and final kiss. He lingers, unwilling to let go of the person he had held so dear when suddenly the castle starts to shake.
DRACULA
Whuh, what’s happening?
Robert reluctantly pulls his lips away from Robert’s as he begins feeling the world around him shaking apart. A bright light begins to fill the room, emanating from the hole in David’s chest and soon touching every surface. As the light reaches Dracula’s skin, he begins to howl in pain.
DRACULA
What is this witchcraft?! What have you done?!
David’s eyes slowly open as the hole in his chest begins to heal, seemingly from the light it created. David rises out of Robert’s arms and up to a standing position. As he walks towards Dracula, who seems to be held in place by the mysterious light, the hole in his chest closes completely, as if it was never there.
DAVID
I see now where I went wrong. I was trying to fight hate with hate and that doesn’t solve anything. The only way to fight hate is with the power of love.
“The Power of Love” by Huey Lewis and the News begins playing faintly in the background, slowly growing louder.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Love will help us make this “The Good Place” again.
David pulls Robert in, dips him and plants a dramatic, passionate kiss on his lips. This final act of love proves too much for Dracula, as he screams louder and dissolves into the light that surrounds him.
DANA
Are you kidding me?! All you had to do was kiss me and you still let me die? I definitely made the right call when I Didn’t renew my contract with the network and took that role on “Big Bang Theory!”
Dana’s ghost disappears as the castle suffers the same fate as its master. Everything around the heroes that represented “The Bad Place” disappeared. Our heroes float back down to earth, still in each other’s arms. They look around and see nothing. There is nothing around them. No “Good Place”, no “Bad Place”, just flat barren land devoid of life or buildings, except for the people and animals who had lived there before.
ROBERT
What happened? I thought our love would make this “The Good Place”? This looks like Salem, Oregon.
DAVID
I…I think I get it. It’s like you said, as long as we’re together, we’re in a good place. “The Good Place” isn’t a physical place where you can exist, it’s the people around you. We make our own “Good Place”. This place is no longer “Good” or “Bad”, it just simply IS and we make whatever we want out of it.
Robert looks at David coyly.
ROBERT
Well I can think of ONE physical “Good Place” that exists.
DAVID
Really where?!
ROBERT
I’ll make you a deal: I’ll show you my “Good Place” if you show me yours.
The two laugh and share a final kiss as the camera zooms out and away
NARRATOR
And our heroes lived happily ever after in their own personal “Good Place”, but as they promised, they didn’t continue calling it “The Good Place”, and they definitely didn’t continue referring to it as “Salem, Oregon”. No, David and Robert lived happily ever after in Canada.
